Westwoods

    Maybe its because I’m sewing a mint green dress, the same color of dress I was wearing on the picture when I was five holding my white bunny. I was sitting on the carpeted staircase of the old farmhouse where I grew up. The carpet orange-y red, the dress, rough double-knit but minty green, the bunny white and pink and not soft at all. But he made me feel happy and content. As happy and content as a five year old knows how to feel. Maybe that's the reason for this soul searching flashback, these triggers of tears in my adult life. I've done a lot of sobbing lately. It's not anyone’s fault, these triggers. I wake up with them. They are more frequent when Bruce is gone over long periods of time. I sleep less and less, my insecurities growing by the night time seconds. I am triggered to remember that long horrible night in and out of reality and delusion, the night my mom kicked my dad out. The night my dad left. The night my world was ripped away from childhood. The n...

I remember the first time Matthew chapter six caught my attention. We were confined, our family of five, in our small Macgregor 26' sailboat in a rainy bay in Florida waters. We were anchored somewhere on the northwest side of the peninsula, suffering through a torrential downpour, the dampness of our bodies within a tiny space, filling the cabin with not so pleasant odors and temperaments. We had worn out the games, puzzles, and drawing/artwork supplies, now having moved on to reading and writing in our journals. At least that's what I was doing. It felt funny and wrong to open my Bible to Matthew 6 and see the words of Jesus admonishing to not do the good and right things in life for approval or recognition. Because that's what I was doing. I was trying to be a good mom. I was just trying to get something right in this family memory gone wrong. I wanted my kids to notice that I was trying to make good food and for my husband to notice how brave and strong of spirit I was ...

  It's ten p.m. I should go to bed. But its cold and unfriendly the past eight nights. My bed, that is. I haven't quite caved but have thought of going to Bruce's closet and smelling one of his shirts or sweaters. Instead I look at his empty shoes and glance at the lifeless pieces of fabric hanging on their hangers.  When He started talking about his desire to be a travel nurse my first instinct was to panic and be smitten with fear and disappointment. Because why had I taught four years while he did college for hopes of better tomorrows of time spent together? I was scared and angry combined. And I did struggle not to panic. OK. I did panic off and on. But having just come home from a week of counselling with wise words of what I needed to do instead of panic when I didn't understand and/or was disappointed, I knew I was given this challenge for a purpose. I was told to God-focus. No more ME focus. Go to my safe place(our dock)and tell God every disgusting detail about...

  Yesterday I finally wrote on here and posted, then went to my computer to re-check  things, and somehow deleted it. So back to the drawing board. Because I do want to say this thing that needs to be said. Now, I think it'll be short and to the point instead of being diplomatic and politically correct. I got sideswiped. Taken out of the game. Plowed over. Whatever you call it when life is humming along and you think you are handling things. I'd been studying the Full Armour of God and was being made super aware that those daily trials of getting along with people, especially with those in my house, were the fiery darts of the wicked. So knowing this, I was a little shocked to find myself wiped out of commission.  Meanwhile thinking about Jesus' words to come to Him...the weary and heavy hearted...to find rest in our souls. He woos me with this thought...learn of ME... for I am meek and lowly of heart.  So maybe I wasn't as sideswiped as I thought. Maybe I had to go ...

  It's just too much. So much 'WOKE'. It reminds me of my Grandpa Skrivseth, whenever the conversation would get too deep or too divisive or if there was too much innuendo about anything...he would clear his throat and say, "Let's talk about the daffodils". That doesn't seem to work these days. It seems if a person chooses not to join one of the movements publicly, on some kind of social media platform, that in itself has become a platform of a kind. We have been forced into saying, feeling or thinking something. Just pick something. If you don't, you will be bullied or judged or altogether dropped as if you have no value that you ponder, pray, and meditate on the things of the Spirit privately. Whereas Jesus promoted privacy over noise, commotion, and commerce. Read Matthew 5, 6, and 7. It's all very clear what Jesus wants from us . Might I suggest a way to promote Jesus while being a peacemaker that is quiet, stedfast, and involved? It takes a bi...

I just now noticed there is the reflection of a pine tree in this cup... Anyhow. Yes, this "cup" thought has been marching around my head for at least a month so I thought I'd share it with you. Probably not a new thought. To me it seems like good, solid ground in these, volatile days. I've spent whole seasons of my life not liking what was in my cup and refusing to drink it. I thought I knew better maybe? Or perhaps I didn't get the concept of what the cup really meant for a follower of Jesus. Psalm 16:5 KJV The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup; thou maintainest my lot. When I have nothing left, no inheritance, no future, nothing is working out according to my plans; when my life is too difficult for words, when I am bone tired of striving...all this...only  THEN  can God be my portion and cup. But nobody wants to be in that place where you recognize... this is me. Denial is easier. It's much better to post pictu...

I've gotten really tired just doing life. Bare, bald fact. I think people often do exist in a state of exhaustion but avoid the fact and cause by staying busy and 'not going there'. I don't wish to judge, but to speak the truth in love. Why is it hard for most people to...Stop. Drop. And Roll? Or to even admit an emergency situation? John 7:38 AMP He who believes in me (who adheres to, trusts in, and relies on me), as the Scripture has said, 'from his innermost being will flow continually rivers of living water'. Here's the Scripture Jesus may have been referring to... Isaiah 58:11 AMP And the Lord will continually guide you and satisfy your soul in scorched and dry places, and give strength to your bones, and you will be like a watered garden, and be like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. I love the admittance to scorched and dry places...Note to self...It is not wrong to admit a need of change and behavior. Especially when s...

I come from a long line of talkers. Not only are we given the gift of gab we also are given a tactless approach. I struggle with knowing if that lack of tact is in my blood and there's no changing it or if it is a learned behavior for which the grace of Jesus is abundant. I promise I'll keep working at it and asking Jesus for more insight on what I can change for His glory. So imagine my hesitation to talk about racism...For one thing I didn't know it was really and truly still a thing until 2020. I have experienced firsthand throughout my life prejudice. I know what it feels like to be treated with prejudice [Think chubby Mennonite girl with pigtails in a town of liberals who snicker and point as you and your large family walk by] and I know I am guilty of treating others with prejudice. Not on purpose, of course. But when you see someone struggle to get in and out of their car because of obesity you automatically feel superior and judge-y. Until you yourself are ove...

I follow someone on Instagram who I don't know. I know that she is a first cousin once removed of a friend of mine...whatever that means. That isn't important. I follow her because of her charming upbeat personality. Also she travels and takes beautiful pictures of ordinary things. Mostly, it's because she sees the good and funny in the everyday. She's jokey and fun. She's young and beautiful and original and she doesn't try at all. She just is all that. She inspires me. She inspires me because of what she chooses to focus on. Which is a lot of what I've been thinking about the last weeks. Do you know how life changing it is to think through the eyes of the redeemed? And how about the ability to remember that you are a 'new creature' after being redeemed? I don't know if others experience redemption in one fell swoop, but for me it is a continuation and a constant effort; one step forward or two steps back. Because once you have been to t...

We are good and proper quarantined. I'm pretty sure. Fact is, I'm on my third slight cold with symptoms of COVID-19. I've probably been asymptomatic once or twice by now. Anyway, I think we should get back to living. I'm tired of worrying that I have it or am giving it to someone unbeknownst to all. I keep thinking about the slaves in Texas that were oblivious to their freedom two and a half years after the fact because they were never informed of it. Their owners kept them in the dark on purpose. I hope that isn't the case nationally with the coronavirus. For that reason, I am thankful for our rabid social media. There is no chance of missing an important notification these days. Or is there? I told my mom on the phone recently of my glorious peaceful week. "How did you do that?" she asked. "I didn't listen to or watch the news." I answered glibly, and then we both laughed because ignorance sometimes IS bliss. In other n...

I have a friend who is talented at finding the good in others. Most often their first response to what seems like unusual behavior is acceptance and sometimes even admiration. I also have a friend who is talented at finding fault with people and situations and defining exactly how they or it should change, perform, or repent. Is one or the other right or wrong? I know the person I'm more likely to enjoy is the one whose first inclination is to be accepting, kind, and sees that I am making an effort to work through my problems and character flaws. If I open up to someone and confess my shortcomings I for sure don't want it thrown back in my face later. If I open up and confess, it's because I trust that they will believe the best about me and help me pray through to growth. But there's a place for everyone. Both kinds of people are useful and needed. I value the friend that is able to see things from a sharp perspective too. They are more painful to be aroun...

It's the time of year when you feel you are missing something.  Is it someone's birthday? Some family member or friend maybe?  Your brain is foggy trying to peel away layers of winter and ice.  Sporadic burst of energy hit as the sun moves in and out behind spring clouds.  Your mind feels alert, then dulls as gray merges with bright white. Fingers itch for the feel of cool earth Nose twitches with the smell of green Emerging buds on nearby living plants. Ears are tuned to the honk of geese and cry of the loon As they float and fly nearby over misty waters. Thawing after winter is slow hard work.  Fingers are rusty with lack of tap tap tapping out the words  Frozen up in my heart. I learned a lot this winter. About life and marriage and being steadfast in both. My feet still go through the ice in places; I struggle to find my footing and solid ground.  My words are stuck to the roof of my mouth.  The t...

Tackling a few hard things today...because it Monday and I can. Do you know, the harder I try to sort out life without writing things down, and the harder I try to be all mature and deal with things as they come without analyzing... like I assume most people do... the worse it gets! It's like trying to unravel the biggest ball of tangled yarn. Impossible. I'll start with loneliness. I think surely it is a foreign word to some. I myself never knew what it meant until I got so busy trying to keep up while teaching school. I learned its true meaning in those years because I simply did not have the luxury of time and coffee chats and spaces of empty in which to meander away the hours in thought and meditations or even in listening. Every allotted moment was figured out for me. Anyway...it appears it can become a habit. Because once I was in the habit of not talking to people as much, just staying busy was easier. Even after coming home. It became too exhausting to try to ...

I'm not gonna lie. I panic sometimes. And when I do;  I forget what I know. Everyone has a weakness at some point. Panicking might not be your weakness but you have one; so don't judge. Or you can if you want. I don't care. My quest here is to be honest and real about living for Jesus. If I were perfect I wouldn't need Jesus. So there you have it. Honesty requires very little judgment. What I panic about is random and varied. Recently, while sitting in a counselors office, our counselor told me that when I am triggered to panic {as he noticed I am apt to do in my relationship with my husband} that my goal in that moment is walk into Jesus arms...and Jesus focus. In that moment fill me up with Jesus by remembering I am whole and complete and already accepted. I don't have to try to win my husbands approval or get it right...I already did when Jesus took me as his own and made me right. I hadn't felt right for years, with all my striving to be the perfect an...

It has been quiet over here in Blog Land. I've been asked a lot lately if I am writing. I've been writing alright. I've filled notebooks and journals and Bible margins with my thoughts. But to actually sit down and just say what the battle is all about and to try to explain it seems unfair. You don't actually need to know someone else's turmoil, assuming you have your own to work through. Words should be seasoned with grace that it may benefit those who listen. Eph 4:29   I very much believe that and was waiting to get through to the part where I might benefit the listener. I don't have much, but a few things I am learning I feel do praise God and bring glory to the name of Jesus. A good writer blatantly says it like it is...or at least there is simple clarity and no beating around the bush. You have no idea how I would love to do that. Yet, Grace. Grace matters and respect and love and kindness. And so I hem around the edges in my attempt to extend tho...