Westwoods

Tackling a few hard things today...because it Monday and I can. Do you know, the harder I try to sort out life without writing things down, and the harder I try to be all mature and deal with things as they come without analyzing... like I assume most people do... the worse it gets! It's like trying to unravel the biggest ball of tangled yarn. Impossible. I'll start with loneliness. I think surely it is a foreign word to some. I myself never knew what it meant until I got so busy trying to keep up while teaching school. I learned its true meaning in those years because I simply did not have the luxury of time and coffee chats and spaces of empty in which to meander away the hours in thought and meditations or even in listening. Every allotted moment was figured out for me. Anyway...it appears it can become a habit. Because once I was in the habit of not talking to people as much, just staying busy was easier. Even after coming home. It became too exhausting to try to

I'm not gonna lie. I panic sometimes. And when I do;  I forget what I know. Everyone has a weakness at some point. Panicking might not be your weakness but you have one; so don't judge. Or you can if you want. I don't care. My quest here is to be honest and real about living for Jesus. If I were perfect I wouldn't need Jesus. So there you have it. Honesty requires very little judgment. What I panic about is random and varied. Recently, while sitting in a counselors office, our counselor told me that when I am triggered to panic {as he noticed I am apt to do in my relationship with my husband} that my goal in that moment is walk into Jesus arms...and Jesus focus. In that moment fill me up with Jesus by remembering I am whole and complete and already accepted. I don't have to try to win my husbands approval or get it right...I already did when Jesus took me as his own and made me right. I hadn't felt right for years, with all my striving to be the perfect an