You Did Everything Right

I'm not gonna lie. I panic sometimes. And when I do;  I forget what I know. Everyone has a weakness at some point. Panicking might not be your weakness but you have one; so don't judge. Or you can if you want. I don't care. My quest here is to be honest and real about living for Jesus. If I were perfect I wouldn't need Jesus. So there you have it. Honesty requires very little judgment.

What I panic about is random and varied. Recently, while sitting in a counselors office, our counselor told me that when I am triggered to panic {as he noticed I am apt to do in my relationship with my husband} that my goal in that moment is walk into Jesus arms...and Jesus focus. In that moment fill me up with Jesus by remembering I am whole and complete and already accepted. I don't have to try to win my husbands approval or get it right...I already did when Jesus took me as his own and made me right. I hadn't felt right for years, with all my striving to be the perfect and adored wife...To hear I was already perfect in Christ and that I already was getting it right, took a tremendous amount of pressure off my mind and heart.

This morning I panicked again. This time about my mouth. Just over a week ago, I had a small surgery done, in which they took a small piece of skin off the top of my mouth to graft it to my bottom front gum in effort to repair the receding of the gum line and damage to the bone. It isn't that major of a deal other than they scare the beejeebees out of you by saying don't touch, brush, or look at it. Don't use a straw, don't eat anything in the front of your mouth, and talking is miserable, so basically don't talk. On Monday I went in for a follow up and they said it was looking great, despite my obsession that something looked very wrong in there. It appeared I had been to a butcher. I was sure that I had made something wrong by eating too big of bites, because mashed avocados and sweet potatoes are boring after 48 hours...so yes, chicken and lettuce fit into the side corner just fine...Cool. I can eat again...but then what if I made that big hole in the bottom of my mouth in between my teeth and lip by eating them? They reassured me all looked normal and fine. Good.

 Until last night when I went to bed and did my nightly ritual of rinsing and that patch of whatever it was broke loose and I worried about swallowing it half the night.

Right... this dental story is going on too long. This morning I was fed up with the stress and at seven I went into the dentist's office to see if all was still fine and normal. And glory be! He said it is looking great and took out the remaining stitches a week early so that dead skin flapping around would stop putting me on edge. When I asked him if I had done something wrong to cause it to break loose. He explained in fine detail that what I was seeing and feeling was something that was acting as a crust of bread. It was only there for during the time it took for the grafting to take place. So the words, "You did everything right. It looks great" made my heart leap for joy.

And then Bruce this morning, after working his 6th night in a row, came home and took both his hands in mine and looked into my gorgeous eyes and said, "You are doing everything just right, stop stressing about the details."

In my quest to Jesus focus instead of me focus, I can get caught up in the striving and working to please Jesus movement. It's everywhere, this need to be aware of all the stories, to be heartbroken for all the tragedy in the world, to identify with the trauma of injustices in our own cities. And rightly so. Jesus' people should feel those things. I wonder though, how often do we feel better after we raise awareness and feel our hearts broken from the suffering and leave it at that?

I feel a lot of frustration with the depth of amazement that people react to with " the halftime show at the Super Bowl 2020". What do you expect to see? Do we not already know the depth of depravity of our nation? Are we not already heartbroken for the sex trade/human trafficking of our day? This frenzy of fear and out of control feeling the Christian world is waving does nothing but feed human feelings and beliefs systems.

As I drink my Good Earth Matcha Maker tea, all plush and cozy on my couch, I am overwhelmed what little ole me can do for any of these problems. I feel as if I surely am doing something wrong or at least not enough to make our nation a better place to be. I feel condemned with the sitting on my couch while my mouth heals.  I think for sure there is more I can be doing in my community to make it better, to show people Jesus' love and forgiveness. Just knowing the facts and stewing and promoting and raising awareness is something. Right?

 I think we worry too much about what we do. I think Jesus says we are doing everything right already. As long as we are letting Him do the doing...

The fact I keep coming back to is this: Jesus is the One who completed you and made you perfect. Your righteousness{ good thoughts, worthy causes, heartbrokeness} are all as dirty rags. When I live each day asking Jesus to fill me up with Him, He is the one who puts people and situations in my path. Jesus is the healer and the Giver of all good things. If He wants me to do more than shoveling snow, keeping the fire burning, cleaning the toilets, and nurturing my family, He will provide the thing of His that needs doing. Not as an excuse to not do anything. Just not my own agenda. Waiting, praying, nurturing those that are already in my life, this is what He gave me today. If tomorrow He puts me next to a "real" need, I trust He will help me recognize that's what it is, and that I will do His work.

So. Stop being shocked. Stop panicking. Stop striving. At some point we have to realize that all our goodness, aims and desires are only worthy if they are a by product of having been with Jesus. If we do big things or even little things to get approval or affirmation of man, we will not be effective. It is only through the belief that we are serving Jesus because we love Him, that we will have the correct results. The focus will be on Jesus and what He does and is doing. Not, look at me and my mistakes or my achievements.  Live free, knowing you are already forgiven and made whole. Focus on Jesus. He will show you His heart for the situation if you ask. I aim to stop panicking because I have Jesus.