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Showing posts from July, 2015

It Doesn't Matter How You Feel

I sat in church a couple Sundays ago singing a song that made my skin crawl. It grated on my nerves because of it's undercurrent gloomy, nasally tone. My mind drew a visual picture of an old man with a banjo and a sour face, while twanging out the words through his nose. Two songs later, we sang a song that flowed smoothly and the words were fitted beautifully to the notes. It was classy by far in comparison and the presentation worked better at getting to my soul. The funny thing is that the writer of both pieces of music were written by the same person.

I looked around and saw my friends, women of faith and close to the same age as myself. They all look happy to be singing the same old hymns and listening with attentive faces to the same familiar passages. Were they soaking in a new particular truth? Were they being smitten with a fault or shortcoming? Did they ever say disrespectful things to their husbands as they walked out the door to come to church? If you pinch them, will …

Random Catch All

Written late at night:
I don't know where my husband is. Should this bother me? I know where he went at six this evening. When this happens, when it gets late and he doesn't answer his phone or respond to a text, I know he is out either fighting fire or doing an ambulance run. I breathe in and out and tell myself to stay calm. I pray first of all, selfishly for me, that I still have a husband. Then, I realize the need is more urgent than me and pray for the people who are having the "real" problem. I learn more about giving and compassion if my attitude is right.

There is goodness among the bad and busy. One morning, the kids and husband sat in the hot tub while I brought them breakfast on a tray. I sat in a lawn chair nearby and drank strong coffee and enjoyed the morning sun.

This week we spent a day  two days canning green beans and two days canning/freezing applesauce. I won't say here how much applesauce was done. It's too much. I will tell you my hands …

In Which I Strive For Normal

Normal is a setting on your dryer. Right?  Normal for me is not your normal.  I strive for my ideal of normal  because I think it means calm and predictability.  And don't forget those good words  like stability, balance, and umm, NORMAL.
In talking with a friend recently, it seemed that at the bottom of  our gaps and empty emotions, as women, we just really want to know that we are OK.  Not alone and unusual in our flaws.  We just don't want to be the weird one, raising damaged kids and driving a good man  mad with our ups and downs.  So, we strive for normal, acceptable, and proper.
And then, I come home and read my Bible and take my dose of Ozzy Chambers for the day, and realize,  NO! I am not normal and do not want to settle for normal.  I need the struggle of learning what faith is.  I need to know if I really do believe all the normal I have been taught through life's junk.  I need my own stripe of faith.  I need to taste faith for myself, roll it around my soul till…

It's not Mine Anyway

We were at a wedding yesterday. As always, my pen was writing in my head all during the ceremony. I was impressed with the emphasis put on how marriage is a picture of Christ and his bride. It was a moment of worship when I realized how love has changed in my heart and mind compared to my thinking of all those years ago when I first fell in love with my husband.

 Love, when I first found it, was the ultimate. It was 'I have found my final resting place',' my soul is content to dwell here place', and 'I was lost, but now am found place'. All my gaps were filled, all the empty was gone. Praise God, we at least have that gift while love is new and untested.
And praise God for the tests that come. Those tests have a way of ripping away all the false security like nobody's business. They help to once again see gaps in our hearts and feel the void and pain of real living. We are forced to take a closer look at The Only One Who Can be the filler, peace, and joy i…

A Literary Journey

Earlier, this summer, I read, "The Mocking Bird Next Door", a book written by a reporter lady who lived next door to the real Nelle Harper Lee. It was a great story, getting inside the reasons and facts of why Miss Lee only wrote the one book. I had always been intrigued why an over the top successful writer would write only one book? I wondered things like: Did she continue to write privately? How can you quit writing when what you have written has been so widely received by so many people? And then there is that other book that is claimed to be hers, but the fact of which she has claimed, she never wants to be published again. Did someone publish that other book without her agreement? Do you know what her biggest reason was for not wanting to publish another book? After her first and only best seller, she felt she could never live up to that success ever again. NOT a very good reason in my opinion. So what if her other stories would not have hit the best sellers lists? Why…

Of Responsibilities and Blessings

I don't know how to be the wife my husband needs after a day of working in the ER. Things get really bizarre in there. He comes home, which is a short walk away, all wired and tense. I would be too, after hearing some of the scenarios he is in all day, scenarios he isn't supposed to tell me. SO, I understand the why of how he is, but I don't know how to chill about it, ask the right questions, and simply be OK with his pace of coming down off his high.

I don't know how to be a good mom to an almost grown up young man that is holding down his first job. I get to take him to and from work each day because of only having his permit. He is searching Craigslist every spare minute for a bike that would suit his ilk. He cares about name brands, sports equipment, and electronics. I don't know much about any of those things. I don't much care. But I am glad we can still chat about the odd fact or books or music. Meanwhile, I wish I wasn't such an old fuddy duddy. I …

Real Moments

Clearly, the month of June was exhausting... Or maybe it was the two nights at camp trying to not sleep while hanging out with a bunch of teenage girls..
 My favorite colors in the world...
 We found a recliner love seat last week to replace the too big couch... This is how I found the kids... For real! I was so impressed I ran for my camera... This was also the day they weeded the garden for me. The eldest sitting there, staring grimly into the camera, pulled up my one, precious row of holly hocks. They were starting to finally take off. I cried. I seem to have a problem getting flowers to grow. After this picture though, I forgave him.
 Yesterday morning we had coffee at Dayton and Judy's home for my Mom's 71st birthday. It was a magical time... Good coffee, food, and people... Good china, tablecloths, and flowers... Thank you Judy!
And then we came home and brought this little guy with us. This was how he was sitting when I came home from taking Laife to work. We said the…