It's ten p.m. I should go to bed. But its cold and unfriendly the past eight nights. My bed, that is. I haven't quite caved but have thought of going to Bruce's closet and smelling one of his shirts or sweaters. Instead I look at his empty shoes and glance at the lifeless pieces of fabric hanging on their hangers.
When He started talking about his desire to be a travel nurse my first instinct was to panic and be smitten with fear and disappointment. Because why had I taught four years while he did college for hopes of better tomorrows of time spent together? I was scared and angry combined. And I did struggle not to panic. OK. I did panic off and on. But having just come home from a week of counselling with wise words of what I needed to do instead of panic when I didn't understand and/or was disappointed, I knew I was given this challenge for a purpose.
I was told to God-focus. No more ME focus. Go to my safe place(our dock)and tell God every disgusting detail about what my heart was feeling in that moment, and while I was saying all those words out loud to my Maker I chose to say thank you too. Giving thanks to God for 'what is' lead to worship. And trust. Trusting God to decide.
I told Bruce my heartache of course, but I also recognized audibly that God is bigger than both of our dreams, plans, and desires, that I was choosing to trust God with the details. And that I was done with holding my husband back. Even if his need for travel, adventure, and constant change felt oh- so- wrong to me. Who am I that what I dream, plan, and desire is more important or relevant?
So I laid out this fleece. If God worked things out like details of buying the sailboat, providing the travel jobs, and all the other things Bruce was searching for, then I was going to believe that God would also provide the peace and joy I needed to remain happily married to my restless, dreamer man. I know I have a mighty God. He can put up roadblocks at any time, at any place along the way. I confess, I prayed for a few roadblocks but always ended with "Thy will not mine be done". Because isn't that what trusting God really means?
I never learn these things gracefully. There is a lot of stumbling and falling flat on my face. My knees get scraped up, like falling off a bike while learning to ride. I want it to end. My will screams resistance. It is so strong. Steadfast to the end, I claim the power of Jesus and thank him for the current battle. I get back on my bike and ride again.
I find these verses make more sense in this season of life than ever before...For though we walk in the flesh ( Well,yes I do) we do not war after the flesh (Really? I need a different way to war?) For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds.(I looked up strongholds for a better idea of what it means. It means a fortified extra strong place that can't be easily taken away, like habits and beliefs.) Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, ( I surely can imagine all kinds of motives and hypocrisy in other people, namely my husband when he doesn't act or behave how I think he should...I can make an innocent choice of words be a verdict of death to my soul with my imaginations. Yes, I do believe it exalteth itself against the knowledge of God) And bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.( Sweet medicine to my mind. I can take those thoughts captive.) 2 Cor 10:3-5
I don't have to stay in that spot of war. The war IS real. It's constant and relentless but my weapons are mighty through God...as far as to be rid of strongholds. I get to throw those wild thoughts in the night, out the window through trust and praise to God who is MIGHTY and knows exactly how much time apart my husband and I are going to face. I choose habits of trust and praise to a mighty God who doesn't rescue me from all the things I think He should but who teacheth my hands to war...Psalm 144:1