Shilah Writes

  Sunday morning...we're going home today... It's early. I woke up at 5. Made the mandatory cup of coffee, read my morning Psalm...can't quite stomach the old and new testament passages this early in the day. The overwhelm of goodness and memories make me freeze at the thought of the goodbyes. It can't go on indefinitely, I know. I wouldn't even want it to. Already, I'm craving a quiet moment and corner to call my own, where life goes back to normal. Things I will treasure forever from this weekend...The babies...Kiana and Seth.  Kiana, I have gotten to know well, as she lives round the corner from me. Seth at four weeks, I have squished and held and loved...that space is now established.  We wonder how we got here? And how did we not know how much fun this would be? Watching the kids become parents...sweet to behold...Having my Toria still to hold and hang out with, without her person...for a little while longer...off she goes to Germany again later this week.....

  I rarely include a question in the title, but this one is exactly how it feels to me on days I'm not sure if God is hearing me? I am the performer with a dead microphone...or am I? Please do, grab yourself a cup of coffee and join me in a few musings about prayers that God answers and those He answers in His own way...those prayers that seem others get answered but you don't...those kinds of musings. What to do with the strong emotions of those who have easily and freely what you so terribly want for your own? How to be genuinely happy for them and not in sorrow for you and your "loss" or whatever you want to call it. And how to still hold on to the peace and joy that is yours as you continue, faithful and steadfast, whether or not that thing is ever going to heal or be changed...maybe it feels completely abandoned and dried up, left for dead? I get to this same tree over and over. I find myself taking that same loop trying to find my way out of this (dense woods) g...

  Pretends to be tough but isn't. He's afraid he will show too much emotion so says gruff things or gets quiet. Writes daily journal entries on his computer just for fun and to learn how to write better.  The other day, I offered to help him with editing his work before printing it out.  I thought it would take a half hour but it took over two. I got distracted with his view on life and his humor. I could hear his voice in the words. And my five year old self remembered the security of his normal, sturdy, steady self.  He never pretends anything. I know I said he can be gruff to hide his emotions, but it's not a bluff. At least to me. I see him regulating and gaining control before choking up or saying something in a wobbly voice. Usually it's kind. He's inquisitive and loves people. I used to think he was too snoopy and sometimes embarrassing with his questions. Some people don't appreciate prying thoughts or questions, at least I felt that from my friends whil...

  Let no man steal your crown... And knowing your assignment... I suddenly find this very hard to expound on. It wasn't hard in my mind yesterday while I was taking down Christmas and decluttering. Then, it was clear and I had words.  I'm a little bit burdened when I hear other Christians have all kinds of thoughts and advice that we should be doing more feet on the ground work for the Kingdom of Heaven.  Often this is accompanied with guilt trips and condemnation and also reasons they themselves can't do this thing they are suggesting "but it would be such a good testimony in the community for our church". What does that even mean? Who are we trying to make look good here?  I agree with a part of this thought. It is good to have feet on the ground. And to be active and looking for opportunity to share Jesus, this is more than good, it is necessary for the believer of Jesus.  I think the focus is off though. It smells like self glory.  And appears like an e...

Bruce and I celebrated the New Year sick and alone on our couch, though extremely thankful and blessed to have seen our new grandbaby, Seth, and also that we were able to take in all the other festivities before we expired to said couch. All those hours out of commission gives one plenty time to ponder and reflect and try to come up with something that might propel you into the new year full of bright new energy.  Alas, the only word I found was...'continue'. Which in my case doesn't mean I'm doing everything right. It just means...stay the course. Keep abiding in Jesus...Dwell under the Shadow of the Almighty...Keep learning how to say "no" to ungodly ways...and 'Yes' to Jesus. Obey...walk the kingdom walk... I asked a few people to pray for me the other day and immediately was bombarded with attacks from what I believe was the enemy. I must be on to something Mighty if I get that much resistance.  So in that I will continue.   Yes. I need my family o...

  This Christmas, as you are gathered around your table, celebrating the birth of Jesus and eating sumptuously, remember that along with all the warm and fuzzy of being with family, comes also the woolly and thorny pieces.  Much like the humble stable, the manger, the traditional donkey, two camels, and the little babe, it is both glorious and stark. The birth of our Saviour... The Way, The Truth, The Light, shining from the musty hay; like the nativity so often displays. For at the dinner table, the Uncle will repeat that embarrassing story. One of those fine relatives will talk loudly and make the grossest food noises, at least one of them.  An older, wiser sibling will again poke fun at and/or make predictions of failure toward another, all in good fun you know, expecting the same reaction they have gotten for years...a few good laughs and humor. Wherein all parties are expected to feel love, some don't. But they bluff and hide and take the joke because that is expec...

  I guess it might depend on your perspective but I can't really separate hope from reality...I think if you believe in Jesus you shouldn't be able to say it's one or the other. Yet, I know it can feel like a phrase in MEANTIME...'Hoping sure feels dangerous'...song by Joshua Leventhal. I tried to put a link here but it failed...You can find this song on Spotify if you want to hear it. Anyway, I get it. I know the emotion of this thought. But it's not who God is. Neither does He want us living in a hopeless state, where it feels safer to be real and a little down in the mouth because then you won't be hurt later by dashed hopes and expectations.  The thinking goes deeper than facing reality, it also lends an un-helping hand in making your own predictions while assessing what next faulty thing people will do or how something will turn out. It causes negative responses, judges others behaviors, and zaps the life right out of a fella. Whereas hope brings life a...

 'The three little girls'. That's what we were called in our family of eleven. Because we were at the end of the line, the youngest, and often dubbed 'spoiled rotten' too. Families are endearing in this way, I suppose.  'The three little girls' never minded the title and found endless amounts of diversion and entertainment of our own and without the help of the older six. One being the Main Creek that ran through the south end of the woods and farmland of our home in Tony, Wisconsin. Main Creek was a small tributary on the Flambeau River System. The water fluctuation, from spring time thaws, made it a raging river most years, but by end of summer we could often find a way to play a little game we invented. We didn't give this game a name but it involved trying to cross the creek and not getting our feet wet by usage of stepping stones. It was a game we all knew how to play without rules or direction; the creek gave its own rules as you will see.   Even n...

  I drove to Sandpoint in the rain today and thanked God for the unlikely, good weather for Dec the 8th. I'll take the rain and warmer temperatures any day over the beauty snow gives us in most Decembers.  I love a longer drive on a Monday. It gives me a chance to talk out loud to God about a few pressing matters, without the eyes of anyone thinking I am drunk... like Hannah in the Bible was thought of when she cried out all her anguishes to the Lord and was caught at it. Anyway...today I was asking Jesus for peace and joy to go along with my walk of obedience in the kingdom of heaven. Peace for conformation that I am hearing correctly from the Lord and not making any of this 'walk' up, and joy for more strength. Because honestly, a girl gets tired when day after day feels like pushing through without the best sight. I have the faith and trust in God, but a little kick of energy that comes when God also provides peace and joy, well, that is just what I felt I needed. So, I ...

  That's not a very nice title. Or subject either. But you know...sometimes we need to look at the things that aren't super comfy and take ownership of our part in them. So here goes. Me addressing this part of relationships that no one wants to talk about. I will use myself for an example. Since God slapped me upside the head with the truth that ending slander and meanness and unkind speech starts with me; I suppose it is only fitting that I become aware of barbs and prickles. And I'm not talking about the ones that I receive and the judgement of the ones giving them. I'm talking about becoming aware of my own speech and my heart revealing what it holds by the barbs and prickles that come out and land in places I never intended when I opened my mouth. And don't you go acting like you don't know of which I speak. We all do this. We all reveal what we hold in our hearts by the words we use and comments we make. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, 'hurt ...

  Bruce and I made a quick trip to Germany to see Toria. We carried a backpack each and went minimally, which is great fun for the both of us, until we've been up walking and catching flights for 24 hours. Then, feet begin to hurt and spirits are weak.  We arrived in Germany pretty early in the day and caught a shuttle bus to the train station where Toria had arranged to meet us. Two matronly German ladies engaged Bruce in animated chatter about travel and cultures and age. They thought he was charming as he flattered them with guessing their ages younger than what was visible to the eye. I was too tired to care. We spent several hours walking to a bountiful market and city center and a part of Frankfurt not mentioned in travel guides where we found great food and refreshing drinks.  The market reminded me a lot of Pikes Market in Seattle, tho instead of fish flying through the air, there were sausages, hams, and other cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling and overflowing...

  Praying can often be more time waiting at doorways than entering in to answers. Going through a doorway may feel like an answer, a new arrival to less questions...clarification and rest. But what about the idea of watching and waiting and trusting outside the door in the hallway?  There are many things we learn about God when we are forced to wait, to watch for what He will do, and to trust what He brings us while we do that. Watching and waiting are interchangeable actions that rely on putting our hope in God. Your faith grows and trust in Almighty God is rooted as you practice both.

  Jasmine shares her heart with me from time to time. She's been married about the same amount of time as me and appreciates my honesty about the ups and downs of the aforementioned constitution.  Most people know that I have struggled to survive in my relationships, not only to survive, but also to thrive. I have "metamorphosised" one could say. Still...I am not a butterfly, tho my wings are finally unfolding. I read in my Bible this morning about Jesus' teaching on 'who is my neighbor?' Put another way... 'Who should I care about?' Jesus answer... paraphrased of course...(The one who comes to where you are. The one who sees you wounded and hurt and left alone. The one who has compassion and is moved to doing practical things like feeding and putting on salve, and giving drink. The one who cleans the wound and binds it up. The one who prays for the work done.) If you do all this you are being aware of who and what your response is to loving God and lo...

I was hearing what you were asking. And I know that battle line. Because I've been there too. I know what its like to pray and muscle that thing to the ground...it will not triumph over me...so I pray. God will win. I think God shows He loves us when He gives us these impossible assignments that requires all of our hearts wrestling. Sadly, we don't often recognize it as His love and care and provision for how we can best serve Him in His kingdom. Often it just seems lonely and misunderstood.  We want to explain our position to the naysayers and the ones who think they know a thing or two about our situation, the one they have never walked themselves.  We are tempted to MAKE them understand. We want encouragement and backing from humans. Somehow, that's just easier...to reach out to the humans in our lives.  Instead we could choose to lean in to the pain and lonely road that we are given to walk, to view it as a gift, and to not isolate ourselves into bitterness and anxiet...

    I will sing of the goodness of God! How is it possible for us to hold extreme sorrow and extreme joy in the same cup? My cup runneth over with both. Last week our first grandbaby was born. And my friend had another grandbaby go to Jesus...another angel baby...my friend's daughter lost another baby. A whole family mourns. Life. Hope. Stunned. Gone. It's so hard to see God's goodness in this place. I witnessed the birth of our granddaughter and prayed that Jesus would give me some of the pain her mama was experiencing.  Overwhelmed by the goodness of God. A miracle. Our joy isn't negated by the sorrow of the other. Yet, they both run together in the same stream. How? Why? We are told to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those that weep. I didn't know it would happen together.  And this is our earthly life. There are things that happen to us that can look like losses. Or great big fails. Or ongoing circumstances that seem to never change or heal or impro...

  I stare at the blank page. So much to say. So much to process. So much to pray about. So much to face and own and change. This morning I woke up before six as I most often do. Its not because I am extra virtuous. My body awakens and rebels at staying still in bed for even another minute. I quietly padded out to the kitchen, drank a glass of water in the dark, fished around in the drawer for a lighter and lit...or lighted... which one is it??? my two autumnal candles. Next I made a old fashioned pot of coffee...the regular, boring way, while I mused on the testimony of Erika Kirk, which she gave to the nation last night. She mentioned her battle cry. I loved that. Mine is a song that is on repeat in my head for the past solid year.  I will sing of the goodness of God...Erika also mentioned that fact in a whisper while tears choked her voice. "God is so good!" And He is. Meanwhile the season of cozy is here in the pumpkin scones and vanilla candles. Also are the tragedies our...

I keep being asked when I am going to write my book. It's my own fault...I blabbered about it so many times through out the years.  Years. Yes, it has been years. I am approaching 50 rapidly. And still have not written this book. I think because I have too many ideas and the main passion in my head to write about, which is family and home and marriage and relationships, well, it's just been too intense and special. And I want to protect and respect the people in my life and their journey. So to write openly and honestly and passionately about those things sometimes is just too too much. Too much exposure. Too much risk. Too much rawness and real. I am finding as I grow in age and hopefully in wisdom, that most people are not willing to know or be known. People in general find going deep and being personal a lot like getting a tooth pulled. Nobody wants to admit pain or trials or even pure joy and blessings.  It seems to be a kind of cover. And a little too much bluffing and pr...

  Summer is flying by so fast. Not only is summer speedy, it is also abundant and overflowing with garden produce, heat, and people parties.  I notice life better and feel more at peace when I can process things more fully. That is the one gripe I have with summer. It is so extremely full and life giving that I almost miss it.  Learning to 'chill' and be 'intentional' in a fast paced life, is something I find to be very difficult, even impossible. Thankfully, the concept of chilling and being intentional are just words and concepts. While I appreciate both, I am much too practical to get hung up on them. So. My summer is flying and I am doing my best to relax and enjoy each of the  moments however they arrive. I'm doing pretty well at it too, if I do say so myself. But I have made mistakes. Like not hearing correctly the full plan to when I agreed to leave to go pick huckleberries with friends. I have very kind and gracious friends though, and all was forgiven. Here...

Be joyful in hope. Be patient in affliction. Be faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12 NIV We all are waiting on something. Waiting for an event to arrive. Waiting to see if it will turn out and if we planned it well. Waiting to figure what will be at the store when we go to get the whole list. Waiting to leave on a trip. Waiting till every job is completed before we go. Waiting for everyone to pile into the vehicle of travel, maybe waiting for the last one to brush their teeth so we can go. Waiting to pay the bills; for the money to come in to pay the bills. Waiting for something to  sell so we can pay the aforementioned bills.  Waiting for the garden to grow, the flowers to bloom, the green beans to bear strings of beans in place of blossoms.    We wait for the grass to grow green and rain to come again. We wait for the wind to die down and the smoke to go away. (Sometimes the danger of fire is over but you still smell smoke) Metaphorically.  We wait for repent...

  Our summer has already been so full. I write in my journal every day and think I am going to make it here to the blog, but end up pulling weeds in the garden or mowing the lawn instead. This first photo is our Laife and Madi and little baby boy due in December. We took Madi out for her birthday in May for breakfast in Bonners Ferry. The gardens are alive and well. They are a balm to the soul as we learn how to be empty nesters.  We bought a boat and are having long and lazy weekends out on the water. So far we've been to Diamond Lake for two nights, Lake Roosevelt for a night, and this coming weekend we're planning to go to Lake Pend Orielle in Idaho.   Shaunti and I picked 30 pounds of strawberries in the hot sun. I found these huckleberries on our land. Well, almost on our land...it might have been on the neighboring property too. These two found out they are having a girl. She is due to arrive in Oct. The lovely Toria. She left us on the 11th of June. Her plans are t...