Shilah Writes

       Today is our 29th wedding anniversary.  We are staying at a very nice airbnb and enjoying doing nothing but leisurely things.  There's a shower with a rain head that makes me feel like I'm in a tropical forest for some reason. And the tub to soak in is just my size. This morning, I finished my Jan Karon book in the tub while watching a bath bomb twirl and dissolve. I brought our coffee machine and chocolates and flowers. And my basket of journal, watercolors, Bible and computer. We've been talking and catching up and praying together. We are making some big life decisions and coming face to face with how we want to spend the next 29 years. I got a text this morning from a lady I clean house for with news that her sweetheart died in her arms yesterday,  on Valentines day. He has had a long hard fight with bone cancer. I told Bruce and we both cried. Separation of lasting love has got to be the most devastating thing. We took a walk on the old rai...

  I woke up at 4:30 this morning. Not ideal, but I felt rested. I lay there for a half hour thinking about my niece, Maurita and Conner, her husband. Yesterday, a horrible thing happened to them and their young family. He was electrocuted while on a job site. I can't even begin to comprehend what all that entails for them and their two precious boys. We are praying for them. That helps us and them. My sister, April, switched places with Jay today so that she could go home and be mom to the other kids at home, namely, Jase, who had a fever this morning. Christian was going to be released but that was put off at least another day. The list is so long of things to feel bad about and pray for, sickness, and accidents, people traveling, losses... so much grief to wade through. On the flip side. Life is still beautiful. Coffee and Jesus every morning, a workout and getting stronger, a face time with grandboy, the mom and dad...baby Seth is growing fast...handsome little feller... I payed...

  I was thinking about how my words of wisdom as a mom can feel sometimes like blowing into the wind. I get the same "Oh mom", after they hear me preach the same sermon the 1000th time.  I really just can't help myself. Especially when it truths about God I want them to know deeply within their heart. I will preach about my battle song and how being thankful changes everything...because I have found it to be true... Often, I don't even get a response when I sermonize. That usually silences me as quickly as anything, as I really don't like talking to the air and space. Then, I shut up and pray a little. And try to practice what I preach about love and forgiveness. So Mom, this is for you.  I want you to know that I heard you say when someone was "playing God" and sing "God is still on the throne" when they got too forward thinking about science and life or politics. I know the smartest way to shut down gossip is to take your stance of, "le...

  Sunshine, dogs, and a cute little mushroom. Three things that brought me joy today. Bruce invited me out into the Sunshine on one of his breaks today and so I went. I was in the middle of a sewing project, attempting to get it done...sewing projects and I do a little dance around each other until it must be done. Anyway, we went out and stood in a patch in the middle of the driveway, and talked about our boat that we are working on in our free time and refitting for our future dreams and plans. And then we noticed the tree that went down over the fence and made plans to tackle it after work was over for the day. And we did. I held a flashlight while he fired up the chainsaw and cut felled tree into chunks. When we went back in from our afternoon break in the Sunshine,  I sat back down at the sewing machine and the dogs did their crazy tango of growl, bite, and chase each other around the table and island and living room. As the afternoon wore on their antics got even more fe...

  I was going to write about memories today and why it seems the elderly want to sit and reminisce more than the younger generations. I was going to do a little research prior to this to help my musing on this subject and didn't find the time; guess I was too busy making memories that I can ask my kids about later. I will say to Shaunti, "Remember that day in February when you brought Kiana over for Bruce and I to babysit while you and Johnny changed the oil on your vehicle and ran into town. Remember how I fixed you healthy rice and sweet potato bowls with carrots and avocado and beef?  I really don't think so. It was a precious time, Bruce rocking Kiana while I baked valentine cookies, The dishwasher humming, the washing machine whirling, the two dogs chasing each other around the dining room table, Kiana grinning at them and giggling at our blowing bubbles on her.  Then I chopped vegetables for lunch before the diaper change and rocking her to sleep while Bruce ate his...

  On the Other Side of Today...                                                            I was putting the groceries away, thinking about my sister, April, with her son, Christian, sick in the hospital and their terrible night of transfers from one place of medical assistance to the next all through the night. She at home with the other kids, Jay, in his work clothes, no contact solution or toothbrush, the man of the hour to take Christian for help, and all the things that happen when things become emergencies. And how we do it? How do we keep calm and carry on and sleep and drink and eat when all normalcy goes out the window? I've had parts of my week that also came unglued, of which I cannot speak (privacy and respect and love sometimes deem it necessary) but I had to make a choice to stay glued while stuff fell apart. I don't thi...

  It is amazing what utter nonsense one can write when on a timer. I went to a neighborhood writer's club today and we wrote eight minutes on a timer with a prompt: A place you walk by every day.  That was the longest eight minutes of my life as I was writing among strangers in my honest, blunt way and sweating great drops of blood, dreading we might be required to read aloud what we had written. I should have checked first.  Of course the first thing that came to mind was the hoarder's house I pass every time I go over to Shaunti's and I really didn't want to write about that because a good part of the group was from my local little neighborhood of Diamond Lake, and what if it were one of their homes? Anyway, they were gracious and let me off the hook. They did come back to me and asked if I wanted to change my mind. And so I did. And I guess it wasn't anyone of their homes because they all knew the place and gave encouraging feedback to my meandering mind.  I gues...

  Today I went to Spokane with a friend. Coffee was bought two different times. Once at the beginning of our epic trip on the outskirts of Deer park, and the other on the way home. We both always get the 12 oz Americano with steamed cream.  She took me to a greenhouse nursery that I had never been before, we walked the dreamy aisles and talked about terrariums and how to make them. I met a Z plant, one I have never observed before. We smelled plants and the watering of them in the air and were made glad instantly. On to a thrift store where I found my daughter a glass container for her adventures in making Kombucha, a glass bowl for me, a mossy green pullover sweater that I probably didn't need but wanted. There were two books that I would have loved to have when I was a mom with littles. I bought them for a couple moms I know. In Manito park, we walked the Gaiser Conservatory where I took close up picture on my phone camera, for later usage of screen savers or some such thing...

  Monday's 20 minutes... I fast every Monday. I started this habit about 9 months ago. At first I did it for health and to balance the ole hormones and for however else the internet claims fasting benefits you. And then I listened to a podcast by Christy Wright called Get Your Hopes Up. She urged her listeners to try fasting because the Bible teaches it. One of her points was the fact that we are hyper focused on being obedient and disciplined in our walk with Christ, yet avoid fasting as much as possible and view it as outdated. She had a point. I did that whole things of excuses and avoidance. Regardless, I was curious. And I needed peace about something. And real answers. I started fasting for my soul instead of my body. Things I noticed: Hunger made me aware of how much void I felt in my spirit instead of in my stomach. I didn't discern the hunger difference between the two before. That hollow space of need wasn't actually as much bodily hunger as it was in recognizing ...

  Sunday morning...we're going home today... It's early. I woke up at 5. Made the mandatory cup of coffee, read my morning Psalm...can't quite stomach the old and new testament passages this early in the day. The overwhelm of goodness and memories make me freeze at the thought of the goodbyes. It can't go on indefinitely, I know. I wouldn't even want it to. Already, I'm craving a quiet moment and corner to call my own, where life goes back to normal. Things I will treasure forever from this weekend...The babies...Kiana and Seth.  Kiana, I have gotten to know well, as she lives round the corner from me. Seth at four weeks, I have squished and held and loved...that space is now established.  We wonder how we got here? And how did we not know how much fun this would be? Watching the kids become parents...sweet to behold...Having my Toria still to hold and hang out with, without her person...for a little while longer...off she goes to Germany again later this week.....

  I rarely include a question in the title, but this one is exactly how it feels to me on days I'm not sure if God is hearing me? I am the performer with a dead microphone...or am I? Please do, grab yourself a cup of coffee and join me in a few musings about prayers that God answers and those He answers in His own way...those prayers that seem others get answered but you don't...those kinds of musings. What to do with the strong emotions of those who have easily and freely what you so terribly want for your own? How to be genuinely happy for them and not in sorrow for you and your "loss" or whatever you want to call it. And how to still hold on to the peace and joy that is yours as you continue, faithful and steadfast, whether or not that thing is ever going to heal or be changed...maybe it feels completely abandoned and dried up, left for dead? I get to this same tree over and over. I find myself taking that same loop trying to find my way out of this (dense woods) g...

  Pretends to be tough but isn't. He's afraid he will show too much emotion so says gruff things or gets quiet. Writes daily journal entries on his computer just for fun and to learn how to write better.  The other day, I offered to help him with editing his work before printing it out.  I thought it would take a half hour but it took over two. I got distracted with his view on life and his humor. I could hear his voice in the words. And my five year old self remembered the security of his normal, sturdy, steady self.  He never pretends anything. I know I said he can be gruff to hide his emotions, but it's not a bluff. At least to me. I see him regulating and gaining control before choking up or saying something in a wobbly voice. Usually it's kind. He's inquisitive and loves people. I used to think he was too snoopy and sometimes embarrassing with his questions. Some people don't appreciate prying thoughts or questions, at least I felt that from my friends whil...

  Let no man steal your crown... And knowing your assignment... I suddenly find this very hard to expound on. It wasn't hard in my mind yesterday while I was taking down Christmas and decluttering. Then, it was clear and I had words.  I'm a little bit burdened when I hear other Christians have all kinds of thoughts and advice that we should be doing more feet on the ground work for the Kingdom of Heaven.  Often this is accompanied with guilt trips and condemnation and also reasons they themselves can't do this thing they are suggesting "but it would be such a good testimony in the community for our church". What does that even mean? Who are we trying to make look good here?  I agree with a part of this thought. It is good to have feet on the ground. And to be active and looking for opportunity to share Jesus, this is more than good, it is necessary for the believer of Jesus.  I think the focus is off though. It smells like self glory.  And appears like an e...

Bruce and I celebrated the New Year sick and alone on our couch, though extremely thankful and blessed to have seen our new grandbaby, Seth, and also that we were able to take in all the other festivities before we expired to said couch. All those hours out of commission gives one plenty time to ponder and reflect and try to come up with something that might propel you into the new year full of bright new energy.  Alas, the only word I found was...'continue'. Which in my case doesn't mean I'm doing everything right. It just means...stay the course. Keep abiding in Jesus...Dwell under the Shadow of the Almighty...Keep learning how to say "no" to ungodly ways...and 'Yes' to Jesus. Obey...walk the kingdom walk... I asked a few people to pray for me the other day and immediately was bombarded with attacks from what I believe was the enemy. I must be on to something Mighty if I get that much resistance.  So in that I will continue.   Yes. I need my family o...

  This Christmas, as you are gathered around your table, celebrating the birth of Jesus and eating sumptuously, remember that along with all the warm and fuzzy of being with family, comes also the woolly and thorny pieces.  Much like the humble stable, the manger, the traditional donkey, two camels, and the little babe, it is both glorious and stark. The birth of our Saviour... The Way, The Truth, The Light, shining from the musty hay; like the nativity so often displays. For at the dinner table, the Uncle will repeat that embarrassing story. One of those fine relatives will talk loudly and make the grossest food noises, at least one of them.  An older, wiser sibling will again poke fun at and/or make predictions of failure toward another, all in good fun you know, expecting the same reaction they have gotten for years...a few good laughs and humor. Wherein all parties are expected to feel love, some don't. But they bluff and hide and take the joke because that is expec...

  I guess it might depend on your perspective but I can't really separate hope from reality...I think if you believe in Jesus you shouldn't be able to say it's one or the other. Yet, I know it can feel like a phrase in MEANTIME...'Hoping sure feels dangerous'...song by Joshua Leventhal. I tried to put a link here but it failed...You can find this song on Spotify if you want to hear it. Anyway, I get it. I know the emotion of this thought. But it's not who God is. Neither does He want us living in a hopeless state, where it feels safer to be real and a little down in the mouth because then you won't be hurt later by dashed hopes and expectations.  The thinking goes deeper than facing reality, it also lends an un-helping hand in making your own predictions while assessing what next faulty thing people will do or how something will turn out. It causes negative responses, judges others behaviors, and zaps the life right out of a fella. Whereas hope brings life a...

 'The three little girls'. That's what we were called in our family of eleven. Because we were at the end of the line, the youngest, and often dubbed 'spoiled rotten' too. Families are endearing in this way, I suppose.  'The three little girls' never minded the title and found endless amounts of diversion and entertainment of our own and without the help of the older six. One being the Main Creek that ran through the south end of the woods and farmland of our home in Tony, Wisconsin. Main Creek was a small tributary on the Flambeau River System. The water fluctuation, from spring time thaws, made it a raging river most years, but by end of summer we could often find a way to play a little game we invented. We didn't give this game a name but it involved trying to cross the creek and not getting our feet wet by usage of stepping stones. It was a game we all knew how to play without rules or direction; the creek gave its own rules as you will see.   Even n...

  I drove to Sandpoint in the rain today and thanked God for the unlikely, good weather for Dec the 8th. I'll take the rain and warmer temperatures any day over the beauty snow gives us in most Decembers.  I love a longer drive on a Monday. It gives me a chance to talk out loud to God about a few pressing matters, without the eyes of anyone thinking I am drunk... like Hannah in the Bible was thought of when she cried out all her anguishes to the Lord and was caught at it. Anyway...today I was asking Jesus for peace and joy to go along with my walk of obedience in the kingdom of heaven. Peace for conformation that I am hearing correctly from the Lord and not making any of this 'walk' up, and joy for more strength. Because honestly, a girl gets tired when day after day feels like pushing through without the best sight. I have the faith and trust in God, but a little kick of energy that comes when God also provides peace and joy, well, that is just what I felt I needed. So, I ...

  That's not a very nice title. Or subject either. But you know...sometimes we need to look at the things that aren't super comfy and take ownership of our part in them. So here goes. Me addressing this part of relationships that no one wants to talk about. I will use myself for an example. Since God slapped me upside the head with the truth that ending slander and meanness and unkind speech starts with me; I suppose it is only fitting that I become aware of barbs and prickles. And I'm not talking about the ones that I receive and the judgement of the ones giving them. I'm talking about becoming aware of my own speech and my heart revealing what it holds by the barbs and prickles that come out and land in places I never intended when I opened my mouth. And don't you go acting like you don't know of which I speak. We all do this. We all reveal what we hold in our hearts by the words we use and comments we make. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, 'hurt ...

  Bruce and I made a quick trip to Germany to see Toria. We carried a backpack each and went minimally, which is great fun for the both of us, until we've been up walking and catching flights for 24 hours. Then, feet begin to hurt and spirits are weak.  We arrived in Germany pretty early in the day and caught a shuttle bus to the train station where Toria had arranged to meet us. Two matronly German ladies engaged Bruce in animated chatter about travel and cultures and age. They thought he was charming as he flattered them with guessing their ages younger than what was visible to the eye. I was too tired to care. We spent several hours walking to a bountiful market and city center and a part of Frankfurt not mentioned in travel guides where we found great food and refreshing drinks.  The market reminded me a lot of Pikes Market in Seattle, tho instead of fish flying through the air, there were sausages, hams, and other cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling and overflowing...