Shilah Writes

I started a little side thing over on Substack.  I don't think I'm up and coming enough to know how to use it tho. The last couple weeks have been filled to the brim with cleaning jobs and rethinking what "Home" means. We are Downsizing and minimalizing and reconfiguring what is usual to homing in most people's minds. So anyway, Many Looming Questions: When the kids are grown and move away and have their own lives... How do I let go of the life we made and nurtured for them? Did I really believe the things I taught them as super important? Then why am I not here to finish properly? Or did I? Am I? Why do I feel guilty in leaving? Is it human thoughts, 'normal' goals, and expectations that keep me from completely relaxing and being on board. Pardon the pun... Will I go bonkers, tiny living on a boat? And in a container home in Arizona? Why do we make many ideas of what is normal and culturally acceptable? And let them be our great measuring stick? Anyway. M...

You have heard me preach about my noontime devils, besetting sins, or trials and temptations...You call them what works for you.  For many years now, I have realized them to be the things that took my eyes off Jesus and kept me focused on me-ism; floundering around gasping for air spiritually. The things I've named and asked Jesus to keep healing is self-pity, self-righteousness, and emotions and words of despair. He is healing me. But I am a work in progress. Praise God! Recently though, He brought one more to my attention...abandonment... I never before acknowledged this as one of the things that took my eyes off Jesus. But as I was standing in front of the mirror on Sunday morning combing my hair Jesus whispered this word to me. Saturday had been a big, beautiful day outside. Spring was in the air. I was able to get actual stuff done with the help of my husband, a few of the children, and a grand baby to boot. But I felt extremely abandoned in it. We burned old branches, cut dow...

 The continuing debt of love...I read this in the book of Romans this morning. This is what we owe each other.  This goes against human tendency and natural inclinations. Debt and owing something to others is binding. We aren't able to be free from it. A continuing debt is one that never ends or gets paid off. Only Jesus can do that for us. But His forgiveness of our sins doesn't take away what we owe to each other in the everyday. He wants us to experience His forgiveness of our sins but stay committed to His work through how well we love each other. Staying in debt to each other keeps us humble and kind. Grace then has a chance to soften our hearts and makes us keen to help lift the burden our brothers and sisters carry. I don't know about you, but I really struggle to love some days. So I imagine I am really far into debt on those days. All I can do is pray, Lord, teach me to love... and give me the ability and power and strength to focus on something other than the flaw...

  We finally have winter now that it is almost spring. It is really rather lovely and I don't mind at all. I do not appreciate fully the cold that came with it, as it was in the single digits this morning, but t he glorious sunshine pouring in the windows has been a very fair trade-off. I did a bunch of things that made my soul happy today. I drank my coffee slowly and in large quantities. I journaled and read my usual three Bible passages, an Old Testament, a New Testament, and a Psalm. Bruce had a soothing worship channel crooning in the background, which made it fitting to tell God about a few things on my heart. My Valentine/Anniversary flowers needed a refresh so I did that, lit a few candles, made a pumpkin coffee cake to take up when we go see Madi and Laife tomorrow, I clipped the dog's furry body and gave her a treat, I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed the floors. And all this writing for the month of February is starting to feel like too much as I also have a couple ...

  We are back home after a much needed vacation. We hadn't even realized how desperately we needed one until we put our feet up and watched the flames in the fireplace and walked to the top of the hill beside the airbnb. To unwind and relax was real and important for two whole days and nights. Johnny and Shaunti and Kiana came home from Florida the following day. Kiana grew up in one week. We are currently babysitting while the parents went to hang out with the youth. Bruce was drinking his cup of cocoa and she took a dive for what was in the cup smacking her lips. Who gave her a drink out of a cup while she was away? How is she interested in that when all she knows is her mamas milk? Do tell! Laife sent a short video tonight of Seth dreaming and making noises while being held by his mama. They call him their little dinosaur for all his noises. I was helping Shaunti unpack this afternoon and we video called Tori so she could see Kiana and watch her baby squeals and kicks.  The...

       Today is our 29th wedding anniversary.  We are staying at a very nice airbnb and enjoying doing nothing but leisurely things.  There's a shower with a rain head that makes me feel like I'm in a tropical forest for some reason. And the tub to soak in is just my size. This morning, I finished my Jan Karon book in the tub while watching a bath bomb twirl and dissolve. I brought our coffee machine and chocolates and flowers. And my basket of journal, watercolors, Bible and computer. We've been talking and catching up and praying together. We are making some big life decisions and coming face to face with how we want to spend the next 29 years. I got a text this morning from a lady I clean house for with news that her sweetheart died in her arms yesterday,  on Valentines day. He has had a long hard fight with bone cancer. I told Bruce and we both cried. Separation of lasting love has got to be the most devastating thing. We took a walk on the old rai...

  I woke up at 4:30 this morning. Not ideal, but I felt rested. I lay there for a half hour thinking about my niece, Maurita and Conner, her husband. Yesterday, a horrible thing happened to them and their young family. He was electrocuted while on a job site. I can't even begin to comprehend what all that entails for them and their two precious boys. We are praying for them. That helps us and them. My sister, April, switched places with Jay today so that she could go home and be mom to the other kids at home, namely, Jase, who had a fever this morning. Christian was going to be released but that was put off at least another day. The list is so long of things to feel bad about and pray for, sickness, and accidents, people traveling, losses... so much grief to wade through. On the flip side. Life is still beautiful. Coffee and Jesus every morning, a workout and getting stronger, a face time with grandboy, the mom and dad...baby Seth is growing fast...handsome little feller... I payed...

  I was thinking about how my words of wisdom as a mom can feel sometimes like blowing into the wind. I get the same "Oh mom", after they hear me preach the same sermon the 1000th time.  I really just can't help myself. Especially when it truths about God I want them to know deeply within their heart. I will preach about my battle song and how being thankful changes everything...because I have found it to be true... Often, I don't even get a response when I sermonize. That usually silences me as quickly as anything, as I really don't like talking to the air and space. Then, I shut up and pray a little. And try to practice what I preach about love and forgiveness. So Mom, this is for you.  I want you to know that I heard you say when someone was "playing God" and sing "God is still on the throne" when they got too forward thinking about science and life or politics. I know the smartest way to shut down gossip is to take your stance of, "le...

  Sunshine, dogs, and a cute little mushroom. Three things that brought me joy today. Bruce invited me out into the Sunshine on one of his breaks today and so I went. I was in the middle of a sewing project, attempting to get it done...sewing projects and I do a little dance around each other until it must be done. Anyway, we went out and stood in a patch in the middle of the driveway, and talked about our boat that we are working on in our free time and refitting for our future dreams and plans. And then we noticed the tree that went down over the fence and made plans to tackle it after work was over for the day. And we did. I held a flashlight while he fired up the chainsaw and cut felled tree into chunks. When we went back in from our afternoon break in the Sunshine,  I sat back down at the sewing machine and the dogs did their crazy tango of growl, bite, and chase each other around the table and island and living room. As the afternoon wore on their antics got even more fe...

  I was going to write about memories today and why it seems the elderly want to sit and reminisce more than the younger generations. I was going to do a little research prior to this to help my musing on this subject and didn't find the time; guess I was too busy making memories that I can ask my kids about later. I will say to Shaunti, "Remember that day in February when you brought Kiana over for Bruce and I to babysit while you and Johnny changed the oil on your vehicle and ran into town. Remember how I fixed you healthy rice and sweet potato bowls with carrots and avocado and beef?  I really don't think so. It was a precious time, Bruce rocking Kiana while I baked valentine cookies, The dishwasher humming, the washing machine whirling, the two dogs chasing each other around the dining room table, Kiana grinning at them and giggling at our blowing bubbles on her.  Then I chopped vegetables for lunch before the diaper change and rocking her to sleep while Bruce ate his...

  On the Other Side of Today...                                                            I was putting the groceries away, thinking about my sister, April, with her son, Christian, sick in the hospital and their terrible night of transfers from one place of medical assistance to the next all through the night. She at home with the other kids, Jay, in his work clothes, no contact solution or toothbrush, the man of the hour to take Christian for help, and all the things that happen when things become emergencies. And how we do it? How do we keep calm and carry on and sleep and drink and eat when all normalcy goes out the window? I've had parts of my week that also came unglued, of which I cannot speak (privacy and respect and love sometimes deem it necessary) but I had to make a choice to stay glued while stuff fell apart. I don't thi...

  It is amazing what utter nonsense one can write when on a timer. I went to a neighborhood writer's club today and we wrote eight minutes on a timer with a prompt: A place you walk by every day.  That was the longest eight minutes of my life as I was writing among strangers in my honest, blunt way and sweating great drops of blood, dreading we might be required to read aloud what we had written. I should have checked first.  Of course the first thing that came to mind was the hoarder's house I pass every time I go over to Shaunti's and I really didn't want to write about that because a good part of the group was from my local little neighborhood of Diamond Lake, and what if it were one of their homes? Anyway, they were gracious and let me off the hook. They did come back to me and asked if I wanted to change my mind. And so I did. And I guess it wasn't anyone of their homes because they all knew the place and gave encouraging feedback to my meandering mind.  I gues...

  Today I went to Spokane with a friend. Coffee was bought two different times. Once at the beginning of our epic trip on the outskirts of Deer park, and the other on the way home. We both always get the 12 oz Americano with steamed cream.  She took me to a greenhouse nursery that I had never been before, we walked the dreamy aisles and talked about terrariums and how to make them. I met a Z plant, one I have never observed before. We smelled plants and the watering of them in the air and were made glad instantly. On to a thrift store where I found my daughter a glass container for her adventures in making Kombucha, a glass bowl for me, a mossy green pullover sweater that I probably didn't need but wanted. There were two books that I would have loved to have when I was a mom with littles. I bought them for a couple moms I know. In Manito park, we walked the Gaiser Conservatory where I took close up picture on my phone camera, for later usage of screen savers or some such thing...

  Monday's 20 minutes... I fast every Monday. I started this habit about 9 months ago. At first I did it for health and to balance the ole hormones and for however else the internet claims fasting benefits you. And then I listened to a podcast by Christy Wright called Get Your Hopes Up. She urged her listeners to try fasting because the Bible teaches it. One of her points was the fact that we are hyper focused on being obedient and disciplined in our walk with Christ, yet avoid fasting as much as possible and view it as outdated. She had a point. I did that whole things of excuses and avoidance. Regardless, I was curious. And I needed peace about something. And real answers. I started fasting for my soul instead of my body. Things I noticed: Hunger made me aware of how much void I felt in my spirit instead of in my stomach. I didn't discern the hunger difference between the two before. That hollow space of need wasn't actually as much bodily hunger as it was in recognizing ...

  Sunday morning...we're going home today... It's early. I woke up at 5. Made the mandatory cup of coffee, read my morning Psalm...can't quite stomach the old and new testament passages this early in the day. The overwhelm of goodness and memories make me freeze at the thought of the goodbyes. It can't go on indefinitely, I know. I wouldn't even want it to. Already, I'm craving a quiet moment and corner to call my own, where life goes back to normal. Things I will treasure forever from this weekend...The babies...Kiana and Seth.  Kiana, I have gotten to know well, as she lives round the corner from me. Seth at four weeks, I have squished and held and loved...that space is now established.  We wonder how we got here? And how did we not know how much fun this would be? Watching the kids become parents...sweet to behold...Having my Toria still to hold and hang out with, without her person...for a little while longer...off she goes to Germany again later this week.....

  I rarely include a question in the title, but this one is exactly how it feels to me on days I'm not sure if God is hearing me? I am the performer with a dead microphone...or am I? Please do, grab yourself a cup of coffee and join me in a few musings about prayers that God answers and those He answers in His own way...those prayers that seem others get answered but you don't...those kinds of musings. What to do with the strong emotions of those who have easily and freely what you so terribly want for your own? How to be genuinely happy for them and not in sorrow for you and your "loss" or whatever you want to call it. And how to still hold on to the peace and joy that is yours as you continue, faithful and steadfast, whether or not that thing is ever going to heal or be changed...maybe it feels completely abandoned and dried up, left for dead? I get to this same tree over and over. I find myself taking that same loop trying to find my way out of this (dense woods) g...

  Pretends to be tough but isn't. He's afraid he will show too much emotion so says gruff things or gets quiet. Writes daily journal entries on his computer just for fun and to learn how to write better.  The other day, I offered to help him with editing his work before printing it out.  I thought it would take a half hour but it took over two. I got distracted with his view on life and his humor. I could hear his voice in the words. And my five year old self remembered the security of his normal, sturdy, steady self.  He never pretends anything. I know I said he can be gruff to hide his emotions, but it's not a bluff. At least to me. I see him regulating and gaining control before choking up or saying something in a wobbly voice. Usually it's kind. He's inquisitive and loves people. I used to think he was too snoopy and sometimes embarrassing with his questions. Some people don't appreciate prying thoughts or questions, at least I felt that from my friends whil...

  Let no man steal your crown... And knowing your assignment... I suddenly find this very hard to expound on. It wasn't hard in my mind yesterday while I was taking down Christmas and decluttering. Then, it was clear and I had words.  I'm a little bit burdened when I hear other Christians have all kinds of thoughts and advice that we should be doing more feet on the ground work for the Kingdom of Heaven.  Often this is accompanied with guilt trips and condemnation and also reasons they themselves can't do this thing they are suggesting "but it would be such a good testimony in the community for our church". What does that even mean? Who are we trying to make look good here?  I agree with a part of this thought. It is good to have feet on the ground. And to be active and looking for opportunity to share Jesus, this is more than good, it is necessary for the believer of Jesus.  I think the focus is off though. It smells like self glory.  And appears like an e...

Bruce and I celebrated the New Year sick and alone on our couch, though extremely thankful and blessed to have seen our new grandbaby, Seth, and also that we were able to take in all the other festivities before we expired to said couch. All those hours out of commission gives one plenty time to ponder and reflect and try to come up with something that might propel you into the new year full of bright new energy.  Alas, the only word I found was...'continue'. Which in my case doesn't mean I'm doing everything right. It just means...stay the course. Keep abiding in Jesus...Dwell under the Shadow of the Almighty...Keep learning how to say "no" to ungodly ways...and 'Yes' to Jesus. Obey...walk the kingdom walk... I asked a few people to pray for me the other day and immediately was bombarded with attacks from what I believe was the enemy. I must be on to something Mighty if I get that much resistance.  So in that I will continue.   Yes. I need my family o...

  This Christmas, as you are gathered around your table, celebrating the birth of Jesus and eating sumptuously, remember that along with all the warm and fuzzy of being with family, comes also the woolly and thorny pieces.  Much like the humble stable, the manger, the traditional donkey, two camels, and the little babe, it is both glorious and stark. The birth of our Saviour... The Way, The Truth, The Light, shining from the musty hay; like the nativity so often displays. For at the dinner table, the Uncle will repeat that embarrassing story. One of those fine relatives will talk loudly and make the grossest food noises, at least one of them.  An older, wiser sibling will again poke fun at and/or make predictions of failure toward another, all in good fun you know, expecting the same reaction they have gotten for years...a few good laughs and humor. Wherein all parties are expected to feel love, some don't. But they bluff and hide and take the joke because that is expec...