We Said Goodbye

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I wasn't prepared for the grief that gripped my actual heart as we pulled back into Newport, Washington, last evening. The familiar sights of spring and new buildings going up five days older than when we left them...wild roses in full bloom and lupines getting going, the church gym had some work done on it too, I caught a glimpse of it as we rounded the corner from Tweedie to Spring Valley. In all sightings, I felt my heart ache. Silly? Maybe...but I think everyone knows this emotion.

We took our youngest and her family to MO to start a life their with her husband's family. Johnny, I have grown to love as my own son but last night as we drove back into the community where they no longer are, I wanted to be mad at him for coming along and changing everything and for upsetting our world like this.

The thing about letting go is that it is a grief that one should see as a good thing. It hurts, yes, but that you get to hurt from loving is a blessing and a gift. Little Kiana...the 7 months getting to babysit and love on her daily almost? That was all just a bonus. Johnny could have taken them away as soon as he married my own darling baby, but he was gracious to give us almost three years of getting to know him and settling Shaunti in house and home rituals and practices.

So yeah, it stinks being back home and they're not here. The little cabin around the corner is lifeless. I found a stain on the couch that came from Kiana's bottle. In a moment of rebellion,  I decided I may or may not clean it up, as that couch will soon be someone else's. 

Anyway, I will write my Sunday Substack but decided to process this letting go business over here on my blogspot where I can be a little more honest. I keep telling myself that this is freedom and a good time to start pouring into me and my man. But that's full of leaks and cracks as I've never stopped pouring into me and my man and I've been proficient at being fully fulfilled with all of the things motherhood and grandmotherhood entailed. 

So yup, I won't pretend it's no big deal. I will tell you the honest truth. I wept, for two solid hours last night after we got home. I think possibly, not only because of empty nester reasons, but also because I am losing "home" again too. But as I went around making coffee, unpacking the suitcases, and starting the dishwasher, I praised God for His goodness and for the ability to hold so much abundance in family, friends, and church.  He holds us wherever we go. Home is with Him.


  

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