When its Hard and Life Hurts

I've been given the privilege to teach Sunday school at our local body of believers. It doesn't really frighten me, the ladies are so gracious and kind with their thoughts, but it does overwhelm me going through the Epistles of John. Because you see, it caught me in a most vulnerable time in my life.

Vulnerable times are growing times... so they say. I will tell you that being vulnerable and honest it is also hard and painful. My point of vulnerability is all this talk of Love and me realizing I'm not very good at it. Or at least my weaknesses make me feel I'm not very good at it. 

It is no fun to unearth a truth you have worked long and hard to avoid and smother. Especially when you didn't realize that was what you were doing the past several years while you were climbing a mountain somewhere else, figuratively of course. Also those mountains that consume you for periods of time are not bad, in some ways they grow you up in other areas. But after, when you come back from that particular journey you have to find where home is once more.

I know, I am talking in my metaphorical circles, if you can make sense of it...Bless your heart! I do have a lesson in here somewhere.

When I was a young mother for the first time, I was wailing to a friend about the fact of how tired I was all the time...I whined and wailed to her, "Will I ever sleep again?"

Her response? "No." and then she laughed. Like it was funny. It wasn't but I laughed because that was certainly the medicine I needed at that time, just a factual, honest answer with no sugar coating.

Recently I was begging God for a break, a day of rest from this testing time I am going through...I also asked someone else if a bubble gum day might be a good thing now and then when you're going through a stormy time. And their answer was also a flat NO.

Again, not funny. But what I needed to hear. If I am constantly trying to get out of the pain instead of seeing what good God brings through the pain, I will never give birth to the change He is working on in my heart.

Getting used to a nurse husband doing night shift has been a hard thing for me. I am alone way more than I ever expected. I finally have time to write and read and pray. I never stopped doing those things in the past years but it was a lot like a fast food restaurant... eating on the run. 

At the depth of my loneliness I am dining with my Lord. I am learning that prayer can be my date night. I look forward to crawling into bed at night all alone and telling Jesus every little pathetic ache of my heart. Out loud. Tell Jesus out loud...and fill in the gaps with groanings that cannot be uttered...

That combined with grazing on...Romans 12:12 
Rejoicing in hope
Patient in tribulation
Continuing instant in prayer...

Life is good. God is great. I thank God for this awful time of renewal... of learning how to be...of facing my giants...I am realizing I need more of Jesus, less of me. I am craving my new date night with Jesus...and I don't want it to go away...I don't want it to fade away as things get easier and the burden is lessened.

I think continuing instant in prayer means way past the time of need. It means always and constant, when the going is hard to take and also when its smooth like butter.