The "lodge" was cold and gloomy this morning. Robin's teeth chattered as she sat in the leather armchair by the gigantic fireplace. Instead of starting a fire, she had bundled into her long, apricot colored, wool sweater and was now putting on her warm, thermal socks. She jokingly called it the lodge because it was big and rustic and only she and Riley lived there. They had debated whether or not they could actually keep guests as another way to share their fortune, but Riley stayed busy building other people beautiful homes and with all the volunteer work he squeezed in the cracks of time, Robin didn't want to be fully responsible for keeping guests satisfied.
The log home was a gift from Riley's parents, who were full time missionaries in Peru. They had been there for ten years and it looked as if they would be another ten if something drastic didn't happen to bring them back. When they left for Peru, Riley chose to stay behind and run the family construction business. He had lived alone in the big lodge till he and Robin married and now Robin joked that she lived there alone. Riley didn't appreciate her jokes though, the one about the lodge or the one about being alone so much of the time.
The lodge was situated on the edge of their property overlooking Peaks Ville. The drive from town was only about ten minutes when the weather was good. The open area of land in front of the lodge, Riley had turned into a field for Robin to grow her plants and flowers. It ended up being big enough that they were forced to hire help when planting and harvesting began, and Robin found herself managing a seasonal nursery of sorts. What had started out as a hobby became an overwhelming amount of work, but it was work Robin loved and needed. Staying busy seemed to have a soporific effect on her emotions and made living a little less painful.
Monday morning, the seed catalogues lay open on the tiled kitchen island where, after a few cups of coffee and two muffins, Robin sat finishing her orders. It was only February but getting a head start was imperative when it came to planting. Riley had made it a priority to clear his work schedule over the weekend and had pruned all the orchard trees. Robin felt relief about that; one more thing to check off the list. Now, all that was needed, was to place the orders and wait a few more weeks to begin digging in the soil. As Robin paged through the catalogues, making notes of new things to try, her mind wandered back over the weekend.
One thing for sure, you never knew when everything you believed about life would blow apart. She had finally gotten to the point that it wasn't so hard to accept the fact that she and Riley would never be able to have their own babies, and that it was going to take a miracle for Riley to want to adopt. She struggled every single day with the whole concept of family, parenting, and having biological children of their own, having lost her own parents at a young age and moving in with Dale and Doreen Olsen. Though they had made her feel loved and accepted as their very own,(they were her family as much as if she were truly their own),she still felt insecure about the whole family thing. And the news they were given over the weekend had been a case in point.
Not that it really made a difference. Aunt Doreen had always been quiet about her history. Robin remembered an assignment she was given in junior high, to draw a family tree, and had been disappointed how little information she was given concerning her relatives history and how little they knew of hers. But out of the blue, to gather the family and make an announcement of that magnitude, was more than Robin had ever anticipated.
Riley had snorted in derision on their drive back up the mountain on Sunday afternoon after attending the morning church service and then meeting Uncle Dale and Aunt Doreen at The Peak for a family dinner. "What's the point of telling us now?" Riley was frustrated with the whole situation. He had little patience for any kind of drama played out in real life. He preferred when that was left for other peoples lives or better yet, the movies. "Wait, does this mean, you're not actually related to the Olsen's?" Riley asked with a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
Robin had wanted to smack him for that remark but instead had calmly reminded Riley that it was Uncle Dale that made her a niece. "My mom was his sister," she explained with a frown. "And I'm sorry you feel this is so messy." After that she had clamped her mouth shut and tried to let his nasty attitude slide off her. But it hurt that he didn't feel gracious toward her upbringing and the few relatives she had and called family. It didn't help when Riley added one more dig by saying, "Wait till Donna finds out you two were never really related." Did Riley have no thought of how all of this made her feel?
Today, Robin wanted to run away from the noise of life, from Riley and his perfect ideals, from her inability to having her own precious child, and from the news that Aunt Doreen had been treated so badly. Her Aunt Doreen, the one who seemed rough and crusty to those who didn't really know her, but to her, the warmest and most comfortable person in the whole world, had been hiding this pain and guilt to protect her children and now was confronting these ghosts of the past? Robin could see the pain etched in every crease of her aunt's face yesterday at lunch. To find anything amusing about the situation turned Robins stomach.
Robin wondered how a person could love someone so much, yet have a strong sense of dislike/hurt going on at the same time. She didn't doubt her love for Riley, yet, she didn't trust what she was feeling for him right now was love. Or maybe it was. Maybe real love for her husband wasn't based on his actions or his treatment of the things she held close to her heart. Maybe real love was hanging in there when your spouse acted his ugliest about relationships. Wasn't love about laying down ones own life or wishes or desires for the good of the other? Maybe Riley needed her, to see how acceptance and forgiveness played out in real life. Maybe loving Riley was the only thing God had for her right now. Maybe buying seeds or having a family wasn't what God thought was the important thing for today.
Peace settled in around Robin's heart as she finished ordering her seeds. It probably all sounded like gibberish to most people, this talk of love being about sacrifice and grace. Well -meaning people with well- meaning advice had asked her early on in their marriage why she put up with Riley and his moods and ambitions? She wondered what made people asks such questions. When a person vows before God and witnesses, would you really dare to ask such things? And if you believed that marriage was for keeps, till death do you part, Why would you ever verbalize such questions to a struggling couple? Did bad behavior or bad manners cancel out the need to practice forgiveness and grace and love? Robin knew the answer was practicing and that doing it peacefully had more pull than trying to draw any lines in the sand or in making any big life shattering statements that threatened of leaving or of breaking the commitments they had made.
In the afternoon, Donna called and they talked for nearly an hour. Robin was relieved that Donna's new found faith was holding out during this time. She sounded a little shocked yet admitted that she had always wondered about her place in the family. She too, had never been given much information about their beginnings and to find out that she didn't know who her real dad was, disturbed her a little. She was clinging to the facts though about what real family meant and was being invigorated by her new found relationship with both Jesus and her mother. Donna sounded good considering the situation, not at all bitter or angry as Riley had supposed she would.
Later that evening, after Riley had eaten his reheated plate of food and moved to the couch to relax, he watched Robin in the kitchen as she cleaned up the rest of the food and dishes. He was smitten with the things he never told her through out the day and even now while watching her. It was like his tongue was glued to the top of his mouth in moments like these. He knew she struggled to love him sometimes. He had seen the hurt in her eyes when he had made those few statements yesterday. He wasn't sure why it hurt her when he talked like that. He wasn't trying to make things worse. It seemed like situations like this always brought out a side of himself he didn't know. Riley hurt too, with his inability to process kindly and for his lack of accepting people different then himself. He felt it was an obstacle, this clarity of mind, to simplify everything into practical terms so it made logical sense. He wished he could learn to listen better and not try to make sense of everything. Who was he kidding? Loving Robin had never been logical. Was falling in love ever really logical?
Riley woke with a start as Robin laid a blanket over him. He must have drifted off to sleep in his self contemplating. "Don't go," Riley gently tugged Robin down next to him on the couch. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I don't know why I say those kinds of things."
Robin smiled that smile that turned Riley into an illogical person. "I forgive you." "Again." She added with a teasing tone. They were crazy like that. People all over bragged about not going to bed angry at each other. She and Riley could be angry at each other for days and then when it came down to the apology they both knew what it was for and little more needed to be explained.
"Did I ever tell you that you're beautiful when you smile?" Riley asked.
"You have," Robin answered. Smiling again she decided not to tell him that every time he told her that, she silently wondered if she was ugly or what when she didn't smile. A visual of an always smiling face flashed before Robin's eyes. She'd bet Riley would soon grow weary of that too. No worries. She would take the little bit of goodness that she could from life and chalk it all up to practicing what real love meant.
The log home was a gift from Riley's parents, who were full time missionaries in Peru. They had been there for ten years and it looked as if they would be another ten if something drastic didn't happen to bring them back. When they left for Peru, Riley chose to stay behind and run the family construction business. He had lived alone in the big lodge till he and Robin married and now Robin joked that she lived there alone. Riley didn't appreciate her jokes though, the one about the lodge or the one about being alone so much of the time.
The lodge was situated on the edge of their property overlooking Peaks Ville. The drive from town was only about ten minutes when the weather was good. The open area of land in front of the lodge, Riley had turned into a field for Robin to grow her plants and flowers. It ended up being big enough that they were forced to hire help when planting and harvesting began, and Robin found herself managing a seasonal nursery of sorts. What had started out as a hobby became an overwhelming amount of work, but it was work Robin loved and needed. Staying busy seemed to have a soporific effect on her emotions and made living a little less painful.
Monday morning, the seed catalogues lay open on the tiled kitchen island where, after a few cups of coffee and two muffins, Robin sat finishing her orders. It was only February but getting a head start was imperative when it came to planting. Riley had made it a priority to clear his work schedule over the weekend and had pruned all the orchard trees. Robin felt relief about that; one more thing to check off the list. Now, all that was needed, was to place the orders and wait a few more weeks to begin digging in the soil. As Robin paged through the catalogues, making notes of new things to try, her mind wandered back over the weekend.
One thing for sure, you never knew when everything you believed about life would blow apart. She had finally gotten to the point that it wasn't so hard to accept the fact that she and Riley would never be able to have their own babies, and that it was going to take a miracle for Riley to want to adopt. She struggled every single day with the whole concept of family, parenting, and having biological children of their own, having lost her own parents at a young age and moving in with Dale and Doreen Olsen. Though they had made her feel loved and accepted as their very own,(they were her family as much as if she were truly their own),she still felt insecure about the whole family thing. And the news they were given over the weekend had been a case in point.
Not that it really made a difference. Aunt Doreen had always been quiet about her history. Robin remembered an assignment she was given in junior high, to draw a family tree, and had been disappointed how little information she was given concerning her relatives history and how little they knew of hers. But out of the blue, to gather the family and make an announcement of that magnitude, was more than Robin had ever anticipated.
Riley had snorted in derision on their drive back up the mountain on Sunday afternoon after attending the morning church service and then meeting Uncle Dale and Aunt Doreen at The Peak for a family dinner. "What's the point of telling us now?" Riley was frustrated with the whole situation. He had little patience for any kind of drama played out in real life. He preferred when that was left for other peoples lives or better yet, the movies. "Wait, does this mean, you're not actually related to the Olsen's?" Riley asked with a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
Robin had wanted to smack him for that remark but instead had calmly reminded Riley that it was Uncle Dale that made her a niece. "My mom was his sister," she explained with a frown. "And I'm sorry you feel this is so messy." After that she had clamped her mouth shut and tried to let his nasty attitude slide off her. But it hurt that he didn't feel gracious toward her upbringing and the few relatives she had and called family. It didn't help when Riley added one more dig by saying, "Wait till Donna finds out you two were never really related." Did Riley have no thought of how all of this made her feel?
Today, Robin wanted to run away from the noise of life, from Riley and his perfect ideals, from her inability to having her own precious child, and from the news that Aunt Doreen had been treated so badly. Her Aunt Doreen, the one who seemed rough and crusty to those who didn't really know her, but to her, the warmest and most comfortable person in the whole world, had been hiding this pain and guilt to protect her children and now was confronting these ghosts of the past? Robin could see the pain etched in every crease of her aunt's face yesterday at lunch. To find anything amusing about the situation turned Robins stomach.
Robin wondered how a person could love someone so much, yet have a strong sense of dislike/hurt going on at the same time. She didn't doubt her love for Riley, yet, she didn't trust what she was feeling for him right now was love. Or maybe it was. Maybe real love for her husband wasn't based on his actions or his treatment of the things she held close to her heart. Maybe real love was hanging in there when your spouse acted his ugliest about relationships. Wasn't love about laying down ones own life or wishes or desires for the good of the other? Maybe Riley needed her, to see how acceptance and forgiveness played out in real life. Maybe loving Riley was the only thing God had for her right now. Maybe buying seeds or having a family wasn't what God thought was the important thing for today.
Peace settled in around Robin's heart as she finished ordering her seeds. It probably all sounded like gibberish to most people, this talk of love being about sacrifice and grace. Well -meaning people with well- meaning advice had asked her early on in their marriage why she put up with Riley and his moods and ambitions? She wondered what made people asks such questions. When a person vows before God and witnesses, would you really dare to ask such things? And if you believed that marriage was for keeps, till death do you part, Why would you ever verbalize such questions to a struggling couple? Did bad behavior or bad manners cancel out the need to practice forgiveness and grace and love? Robin knew the answer was practicing and that doing it peacefully had more pull than trying to draw any lines in the sand or in making any big life shattering statements that threatened of leaving or of breaking the commitments they had made.
In the afternoon, Donna called and they talked for nearly an hour. Robin was relieved that Donna's new found faith was holding out during this time. She sounded a little shocked yet admitted that she had always wondered about her place in the family. She too, had never been given much information about their beginnings and to find out that she didn't know who her real dad was, disturbed her a little. She was clinging to the facts though about what real family meant and was being invigorated by her new found relationship with both Jesus and her mother. Donna sounded good considering the situation, not at all bitter or angry as Riley had supposed she would.
Later that evening, after Riley had eaten his reheated plate of food and moved to the couch to relax, he watched Robin in the kitchen as she cleaned up the rest of the food and dishes. He was smitten with the things he never told her through out the day and even now while watching her. It was like his tongue was glued to the top of his mouth in moments like these. He knew she struggled to love him sometimes. He had seen the hurt in her eyes when he had made those few statements yesterday. He wasn't sure why it hurt her when he talked like that. He wasn't trying to make things worse. It seemed like situations like this always brought out a side of himself he didn't know. Riley hurt too, with his inability to process kindly and for his lack of accepting people different then himself. He felt it was an obstacle, this clarity of mind, to simplify everything into practical terms so it made logical sense. He wished he could learn to listen better and not try to make sense of everything. Who was he kidding? Loving Robin had never been logical. Was falling in love ever really logical?
Riley woke with a start as Robin laid a blanket over him. He must have drifted off to sleep in his self contemplating. "Don't go," Riley gently tugged Robin down next to him on the couch. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I don't know why I say those kinds of things."
Robin smiled that smile that turned Riley into an illogical person. "I forgive you." "Again." She added with a teasing tone. They were crazy like that. People all over bragged about not going to bed angry at each other. She and Riley could be angry at each other for days and then when it came down to the apology they both knew what it was for and little more needed to be explained.
"Did I ever tell you that you're beautiful when you smile?" Riley asked.
"You have," Robin answered. Smiling again she decided not to tell him that every time he told her that, she silently wondered if she was ugly or what when she didn't smile. A visual of an always smiling face flashed before Robin's eyes. She'd bet Riley would soon grow weary of that too. No worries. She would take the little bit of goodness that she could from life and chalk it all up to practicing what real love meant.
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