Whose Mind is Stayed

 Morning breaks harshly into my bedroom. I'm exhausted from sleep having been awoken by great heat waves off and on all night long. And it isn't heat waves from the tropics. My body is aging and performing as aging bodies do, and its causing all kinds of havoc on the brain, body, and spirit.

I realize with dread it wasn't the daylight that awakened me, but my husband. Expectancy and Hyperactivity is buzzing next to me. Too late for me, he sees I am awake. "What are your plans for the day?" 

I yawn luxuriously and snuggle into the white sheets, "I don't know, I think I will write something." my mind drifts off to the fact that I need to write something on this dear blog. A lot has happened and I am ready to put it all together in a -stand back and let me look at this- way.

However, good feelings and luxury flies out the window as he proceeds to tell me what we are going to do. Starting now. I wonder nastily why he bothered to ask me what my plans were. And then I ask Jesus for grace to flex with this driven hyper energy man of mine. I gulp back a few sobs of grief as I watch my glorious day fly out the window. 

Ok new plan. We are going to get as much out of storage as possible right away this morning because its going to snow tomorrow and also the road restrictions are in full swing by 9 this morning so we need to have our hauling done by then. I choke down the needed morning cup of coffee and eat my gluten free toast. The vitamins, I remember as we drive out the driveway. Oh well, later. Again.

This is the story of my life. Which I am finally learning to accept and appreciate. In December we moved into our neighbors house, putting most of our things into a storage unit and bringing only the necessary items with us. 

In January, we built a metal shop/garage on our new property and began moving a few things into that.

In February, we loaded up the four wheeler into our Yukon, having taken out all the back seats, and then drove to our other property in St. Johns, Arizona. 

Each month has goals. And each month the goals are met, as much as God allows, that is. Sometimes the Mighty Hand of God overrules and we are stopped from the plan. And then we step back and reset. But never do we stop trying. 

The purpose for the journey with the four wheeler was to put a fence around our 42 acres in an attempt to bring the land back and have ground that grows things one day. As it was, it was being grazed by open range cattle and eroded by the elements of high desert. We hope to one day have a little cabin or small building of some kind to live in a couple months out of the year. We dream of living in the desert in solitude, watching sunsets and growing lavender, of rocking back and forth slowly in our rockers and conversing about anything or nothing.

I don't realistically see how this will ever happen, as it seems we both like to keep making new goals and having new adventures. Well, at least one of us likes those things. Thankfully, the last year brought me to an impasse of sorts. I specifically asked God for many things. One of which was to have a better understanding of my husband. And to reveal to me how I was going to live the rest of my life at the speed of sound, which is how it feels being married to this man God gave me. Here I am, very close to 50 years of age, exhausted physically, worn out emotionally, and in constant upheaval as I keep searching for roots. Or at least a grounding. I need solid ground...please, Sweet Jesus. 

God answered those prayers in pretty amazing God-like fashion. He showed me that Bruce isn't flawed, but gifted. His personality type, ADHD, or whatever label you want to call it, doesn't allow him to relax or lollygag. He sets goals for a reason. He needs to stay focused and busy. Also the responsibility of debt was breaking his spirit and tying him down. Owning the house by the lake was dreamy, but claustrophobic. So we sold it. 

But what about me? Was it all going to be about what Bruce needed or wanted? Honestly, sometimes it felt like that. But I was aware of my proneness to self pity and self righteousness and was sick of the stench of it. God made both of us, clearly with two different personalities. He doesn't make mistakes. We might, but He always makes good of it if we give it over to Him. I was trusting in that truth.

One of the things I have learned in my journey, is my need to learn how to be steadfast. Solid in Jesus arms. I couldn't afford to ride every wave and go on every roller coaster ride, life kept trying to put me on. I needed to be stable, solid, and rooted in my spirit, so that I was able to get out of bed after a sleepless night and go from thinking I would spend the day writing, to moving a storage shed unit filled with our 26 years of living.

Which brings me to fence stays. Down there in the high desert of Arizona, maybe the wind got to me, but I found all kinds of real life parallels in fencing. Parallels about walking in the spirit, dependance on Jesus, and loving my husband like Jesus wanted me to.

One afternoon, as we were finishing up a roll of barbed wire, I asked him about the fence stays of which we were short. How many more did we need? Why did we need them? What purpose did they serve? What even were fence stays?

What I learned. Fence stays are used for preserving and keeping a fence strong. They support the wires in a fence and keeps them from sagging. It is said they are proven reinforcement in keeping a fence stronger for longer.

So here's my ranching wisdom: Jesus is my fence stay in this upside down crazy life I live. He preserves me and keeps me strong. He supports my learned lessons and keeps them from blowing away in the wind.

And then Bible verses to prove it: 

Psalm 18:18 KJV.  They prevented me in the days of my calamity: But the Lord was my stay.

Isaiah 26:3 KJV.  Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

With God as my stay, I am learning trust in Him. Trust Him with all the things I am letting go. Like my lake house, my children, and some of the things I thought I needed to thrive. And in a very strange plot twist I am finding the more I let go, the more I thrive and the more God is my stay. 

Did you know there are a thousand things to let go in order to let God be the stay?

Here's some of my list:

Lake house and gardens...

Schedule and Planner...

Two kids have moved out...

The future...my kids future...

My shame and guilt for having strong emotions and feelings...

Blaming others for my emotional struggles...

Control of actions and conversations in my house...

My thoughts and ideals on the relationships in my house...

My thoughts and ideals for my church and friendships...

With God overruling my heart, soul, and mind, I realize He sees and knows the hearts of everyone of us. My thinking is just that. The only way I can let go of all this stuff is to cast it all unto Jesus. He carries my burdens and human thoughts. Jesus shows me how to forgive the hard things and walk in the light of love, grace, and courage. I cannot conjure up any of those good virtues on my own strength. It has to be God as my stay. 

And I don't know how to wrap this up because I haven't arrived yet. But I am having a lot of joy in learning to thrive and in letting go...to have Jesus as my stay. You should try it.