Who Daily Loadeth us With Benefits

 Sometimes you have to dig deep to know it tho... 

Whether or not you see it or feel it, it is true. God truly does load us with benefits and goodness.

I sat on a beautiful beach chair recently at an idyllic setting of sand and waves. The sky was blue, the sounds of happy people playing all around me. But I carried a broken heart. I was lonely and beaten. It felt heavy. So I sat pleading for God to show me joy and hope.

There is often a reason for loneliness, being beaten and heavy, sometimes it is even legit. But it's not a place we want to stay. Also, in the moment, I tend to be very careful to whom I admit these things. Because God. He is doing a work in our hearts that is often messy and not so pretty. 

There are days of all out kicking and screaming on the floor of my spirit that I have found can only be heard by Jesus. There is construction tape around the scene or maybe yellow tape indicating a crime. The point is, we have to move on and find answers, healing, and please yes, a little joy for the journey. 

It became clear to me as Bruce finished his last traveling nursing contract, that I would have to find a way to do the next while of time better. There has been a lot of stopping and going in our home with his job taking him out of the house for six days at a time and then eight home. Each week I attempted to adjust my schedule and work load around his time away and time home.

He has to take off three months of work to remain a travel nurse, something to do with tax purposes and other legalities of which I don't fully understand. So we are selling our beautiful lake house and building a small affordable house down the road. Our time recently has been consumed with painting and cleaning and finishing house projects.

Now it's waiting we have to do. We have entered a new chapter of life which exercises our trust in God's timing and provision. While my husband takes some time off and recovers from life's many stresses I adjust to what is next. This restarting of things is a very big deal to me, a homing pigeon.

I like new chapters of a book. Life's new chapters are a little more filled with reality. As we began to talk about what our new goals and plans are it became apparent that Bruce's dreams and intentions are complete opposite of mine. And that was a stunner for me. I kept hoping with maturity and age we would grow more and more in sync, hence the loneliness and feeling heavy and beaten.

I've been fairly honest about our journey toward each other on this blog. Our love is strong. I'm sure that is clear. But I'm sure it is also clear that it has been a struggle for me. I have struggled with times of self pity, self righteousness, and a whole lot of soul searching of what it means to love in marriage. If anyone thinks you can live with someone like me and it not being a challenge, just ask my man. So yes, our love has been a challenge but it is ours and it is strong. I'm learning this slowly.

In the time between when I said to him, "Lets go for it, let's do your dream. Sell the house so we can travel the world", and him being finished with work for three months at least...he kept saying, "I am so excited about the future!" And every time he said it was like a gut punch as I realized the dread I have for the future.

Which brought me to my knees, begging God for joy in this shaky up and down world. My life resembles sailing in a good strong wind. All the time. If I must sail through life, please let me do it with peace and joy. But while I am there on my knees I also ask for quiet and calm and no wind. I still want to hold still and breathe in deep gulps of Jesus. But I came face to face with realizing I have to learn to have joy all the time. Not just when my boat is holding still.

There were a couple things God brought to my attention as I pled for joy. First of all, was my need to trust Him, Mighty God. (So many verses in my Bible available for this one). And daily benefits if I take the time to notice.

Secondly, I had to come to terms that God loves me as I am, that I am complete in Him, that I don't have to change who I am or bury how I think or feel to become more one with my husband. And on that thought I was able to recognize my husband also is loved by God as he is. No matter how opposite we view our future, God is there in it. If I walk with God, He will take care of all the details of HOW. 

Thirdly, there was a thing we were doing that was not working. I can't share it here because I am not willing to make either one of us look bad to the world. :) But I was playing the martyr on a point of conversation that was sucking the life out of me. God brought healing to me on that and in time I think we can figure out a better way. I am recognizing the daily need for renewal.(God's strength) The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. So much strength...a big time benefit.

And again there is that word, JOY. I think for me to fully comprehend it, the word 'rejoice' is resonating. It keeps popping out when I read my Bible and I am doing a study on it, which turns out, is loaded with daily benefits.

I am out of time, I came here to a delightful coffee shop to write but have more to say on this matter of rejoicing...I think there is a part two coming your way.